S2E1 | Jake's Woodland Adventure

Welcome back to The Big Red Button - the Fallout podcast that's trippier than a radroach on Jet!

In this episode, our wasteland wanderer Jake accidentally ingests some glowing mushrooms, sending him on a psychedelic journey through his own mind. As Jake hallucinates talking squirrels and imaginary polar bears, he's forced to confront traumatic memories from his time in Vault 56, including the mysterious Overseer Bauer.

This is our first ever scripted, narrative adventure! We hope you enjoy, and we've got our next regular episodes ready to rock and roll!

[00:00] Buckle up, buttercups, 'cause we're about to take a trip... and I don't mean to the local Super Duper Mart! Our vault-dwelling hero Jake is about to embark on a MUSHROOM-FUELED JOURNEY that'll make you say, "War. War never changes... but my perception of reality sure does!"

[05:30] Things get SQUIRRELLY when Jake's hallucinations introduce him to a furry friend with some not-so-friendly intentions. Is it a radroach? Is it his subconscious? Or is it just really good writing? (Spoiler: it's all three!)

[18:00] Hold onto your Pip-Boys, folks! Jake's trippy adventure takes a VAULT-TASTIC turn as he confronts his past and tells Overseer Bauer where to shove his "for your own good" attitude. It's like group therapy, but with more yelling and imaginary snow!

[31:00] Just when you thought things couldn't get any deeper, Gotfree the robot drops some EXISTENTIAL TRUTH BOMBS that'll make your circuits sizzle. Who knew a Mr. Handy could be so... handy with life advice?

• Jake eats glowing mushrooms (because OF COURSE he does)

• Imaginary squirrels are NOT your friends

• Vault trauma: it's not just for breakfast anymore!

• Gotfree: part robot, part therapist, all sass

Will Jake survive his trip? Will Houston ever finish his book? And will we EVER stop breaking the fourth wall? Tune in to find out! Same wasteland time, same wasteland channel!

Remember, listeners: Just Say No to glowing fungi... unless you want to star in your own episode of "The Big Red Button"! Stay rad-iated!

Lots of thanks to special guest, Will Aitken!

Transcript

Gotfree [0:03 - 0:08]: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to a very special episode of the Big Red Butt. 

Alex/Jake [0:09 - 0:14]: I. I know I had a nibble of that glowing mushroom back there, but are you floating right now? 

Klawzinski [0:14 - 0:19]: I do believe he may be suffering the consequences of eating the glowing mushrooms. 

Alex/Jake [0:19 - 0:25]: I'm gonna go lay down on that bed over there. So plush. Do you remember how plush the bed was? 

Dallas [0:25 - 0:31]: So Jeremy kind of helps you over to the bed, picks you up like a small child and lays you down in it. 

Alex/Jake [0:31 - 0:38]: It's so bouncy. It's so. It's so bouncy, guys. It's just. I go up and down. 

Klawzinski [0:38 - 0:41]: Little peanuts. I hope you start to feel better. 

Dallas [0:41 - 0:45]: He kind of takes his hand and pushes you down into the bed. 

Alex/Jake [0:45 - 0:54]: I didn't mean to do it. I ate. I ate the mushroom because I was told to eat the mushroom. I was just doing what I was told. 

Houston [0:54 - 0:57]: Okay, I take some duct tape and put it over his mouth. 

Gotfree [0:57 - 0:58]: No, no, no, no. 

Alex/Jake [0:58 - 1:08]: And I get out of the bed, and I just book it into the forest. You can't catch me. There he goes. 

Gotfree [1:08 - 1:10]: There he goes. 

Klawzinski [1:10 - 1:14]: Terrence, can you please go and retrieve Mr. Winger for me? 

Terrence [1:14 - 1:16]: Oh, yes, sir. Roger way, sir. 

Alex/Jake [1:16 - 1:19]: I'm gonna take my clothes off now, and. You can't. 

Houston [1:19 - 1:20]: No one wants to see that. 

Klawzinski [1:20 - 1:27]: Make sure he is fully clothed. Be gentle. Yes, be gentle with my peanut. I will come and help Mr. Winger. 

Alex/Jake [1:28 - 1:29]: You can't get me. 

Klawzinski [1:29 - 1:41]: Yeah, the mushrooms are about to get a whole lot worse for Mr. Winger. Buckle up, tyrants. Penelope, go out there and watch after Mr. Winger in the woods. Don't let him climb the trees. 

Terrence [1:42 - 1:44]: Yes, sir. Right away, sir. 

Squirrel [1:44 - 1:46]: Yes, sir. Right away, sir. 

Gotfree [1:48 - 1:57]: Oh, my wasted. 

Houston [1:57 - 2:06]: No, no. That's called trippin'we. Did that back in my day. I wrote that. All of that down, and then there was one remaining on mushrooms. 

Klawzinski [2:06 - 2:14]: Actually, now might not be the time to discuss this, but are you implying that you are Houston McKinley, the famous author? 

Houston [2:14 - 2:16]: As I live and irradiate. 

Klawzinski [2:16 - 2:26]: Wow. It's an absolute honor to meet you. I have to ask you. The franchise ends when we finish wrangling your friend out of that tree. 

Terrence [2:26 - 2:32]: Master Klosinski, do you think that now is really the best time to. What's the word? 

Gotfree [2:33 - 2:34]: Fangirling. 

Terrence [2:34 - 2:36]: Yes, fangirling. 

Alex/Jake [2:36 - 2:37]: Right. 

Klawzinski [2:37 - 2:39]: Right. Let's go get him. 

Alex/Jake [2:41 - 2:48]: Oh, now, this is more like what Overseer Bauer told us the top side would be like. Look at all the colors you see. 

Narrator [2:48 - 2:56]: In this psychotropic hallucination, Jake Winger was about to experience an ego death, growing and maturing in the process. 

Alex/Jake [2:56 - 3:00]: Wait, we have A narrator? Now, when did that happen? 

Narrator [3:00 - 3:06]: Technically, I don't exist. I'm just your ID and superego fighting for control of your ego. 

Alex/Jake [3:06 - 3:09]: I don't know what any of that means. 

Narrator [3:10 - 3:17]: I figured you wouldn't. More importantly, I'm here to help the audience visualize concepts you're experiencing. As this is an audio medium. 

Alex/Jake [3:17 - 3:19]: Like. Like a holotape. 

Narrator [3:19 - 3:20]: Exactly. 

Alex/Jake [3:20 - 3:24]: This forest is so much prettier than the books. And the vault told me. 

Houston [3:24 - 3:25]: It's like. 

Alex/Jake [3:25 - 3:28]: It's like I can taste the color 9. 

Narrator [3:28 - 3:30]: Jake was experiencing pure euphoria. 

Alex/Jake [3:30 - 3:32]: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 

Squirrel [3:32 - 3:32]: Why. 

Alex/Jake [3:32 - 3:38]: Why do you keep saying exactly what I'm feeling? It's. It's getting a little weird. All right, let's get back to exploring. 

Klawzinski [3:40 - 3:43]: Come back, little peanut. Not safe for you. 

Terrence [3:43 - 3:50]: Thank you for that observation, friend of Master Krasinski. You make an excellent point. Please return to your designated seating area. 

Klawzinski [3:50 - 4:09]: I knew we not need visit claws. This happened every time? Normally is stompy. Who eating too many glowing mushrooms? That's so helpful. Grumbly. Remember what claws always tell us growing up in vault. Happy thoughts. 

Houston [4:11 - 4:15]: If this Dana Lane survives this, I wonder if he'll be less derpy going forward. 

Narrator [4:15 - 4:24]: He won't be less derpy, but he'll definitely have sorted out some of his trauma from growing up in the vault. Speaking of processing trauma, let's check in on our gaslit friend. 

Alex/Jake [4:26 - 4:32]: Why don't people eat this glowing fungus all the time? This. This is incredible. 

Narrator [4:32 - 4:55]: Jake's senses begin processing the external stimuli of the hidden forest in ways they had never sensed before. Grass look like tiny green snakes. Giant ants skittering into the shade. Look like goldendoodle puppies. You get the idea. You've seen the movie before. Kind of like the Hangover or the Wolf of Wall Street. But far fewer naked people in this story. Anyways, I digress. 

Alex/Jake [4:56 - 5:05]: These trees, they're beautiful. The air, it's so clean. Makes me feel like I could. Like a float. 

Narrator [5:05 - 5:26]: But not all the flora and fauna were well intentioned. I mean, they are. In reality, he's just running through a subterranean orchard planted by a super mutant. But not in Jake's glowing fungus world. You see, an existential threat is looming. Fueled by years of experimentation in his vault, at the hands of cruel masters. Now the veil begins to tear. 

Alex/Jake [5:26 - 5:31]: Is that a squirrel? I've only seen these in the books from the vault. 

Squirrel [5:32 - 5:37]: Hi, Jake. I'm Mr. Squirrel. I'm gonna be your new best friend. 

Alex/Jake [5:37 - 5:40]: You. You can talk? You know my name? 

Squirrel [5:41 - 5:47]: I can talk. Jake, I know everything about you. Including Your middle name. 

Alex/Jake [5:48 - 5:50]: Oh, yeah? Prove it. 

Squirrel [5:50 - 5:51]: It's Toby. 

Alex/Jake [5:52 - 5:54]: Dang, you're good. 

Narrator [5:54 - 6:02]: That's because the squirrel is just a manifestation of Jake's own subconscious projected upon an otherwise rather nasty radroach. 

Squirrel [6:02 - 6:11]: Jake. Listen, buddy. This world is magical. Everything you see is safe and friendly. You should probably try climbing this candy cane tree. 

Alex/Jake [6:11 - 6:15]: I don't like candy canes. I'm more of a spearmint person. 

Squirrel [6:15 - 6:20]: No one likes peppermint, silly. It's just part of life around here at the North Pole. 

Alex/Jake [6:21 - 6:24]: Guess I never really thought of it that way. 

Klawzinski [6:26 - 6:35]: Terrence, quickly. He's talking to a radroach. Those things are highly irradiated. Please go fetch him before he gets himself hurt. 

Terrence [6:35 - 6:41]: Yes, Master Kleczynski, I am aware. But is that more pressing than him beginning to ascend that Bradford pair? 

Klawzinski [6:42 - 6:45]: Good point. Please keep him off the plants. 

Houston [6:45 - 6:52]: There is a delicious irony in a guy high on plant life trying to get high in a plant. 

Gotfree [6:54 - 7:01]: Technically, glowing mushrooms are fungi, not plants. 

Houston [7:02 - 7:05]: What did we tell you about talking while being buffed and shined? 

Gotfree [7:06 - 7:07]: Sorry. 

Klawzinski [7:08 - 7:12]: How have you three survived this long? Not to be offensive. 

Houston [7:13 - 7:19]: Well, I'm. I'm a ghoul. I'm over 200 years old. That helps. 

Terrence [7:19 - 7:23]: Attention, Mr. Winger. I have been sent to retrieve you. 

Gotfree [7:24 - 7:31]: Bye, Terrence. I'll see you soon. Please be gentle with him. 

Alex/Jake [7:33 - 7:37]: Mr. Squirrel. What's that thing coming toward me? 

Squirrel [7:37 - 7:46]: Oh, that? Well, that's a polar bear. They drink Nuka Cola and they hang out with Santa Claus. And they love to eat people. 

Alex/Jake [7:47 - 7:50]: What? You told me everything here was friendly. 

Squirrel [7:50 - 7:53]: Whoops. I'm a big fat liar. 

Houston [7:54 - 7:55]: Leave me alone. 

Squirrel [7:55 - 7:56]: Fuller bear. 

Terrence [7:59 - 8:13]: Master Klausinski, my primary senses indicate that Mr. Winger's heart rate has increased by 25 beats per minute. And by running a biometric scan of his venous activity and capillary circulation, I am concerned that Mr. Winger could suffer from a pharmacogenic myocardial infarction. 

Klawzinski [8:13 - 8:19]: Terrence, how many times do I have to tell you? Smaller words, please. 

Gotfree [8:21 - 8:27]: He's saying that Master Wigger might have a heart attack. 

Houston [8:27 - 8:36]: You're joking. What could that imbecile possibly be saying that could have him that scared? 

Squirrel [8:38 - 8:43]: Jake, buddy, try throwing snow at the polar bear. Polar bears hate snow. 

Alex/Jake [8:43 - 8:47]: That's a good idea. Let me scoop up some of the snow real quick. 

Narrator [8:47 - 8:54]: Jake reaches down and scoops up a handful of mulch around the base of the tree, making snowballs in his theater of the mind. 

Alex/Jake [8:57 - 9:01]: Hiya. Take that, polar bear. Take that. 

Narrator [9:01 - 9:04]: He chucks it at Terrance as hard as he can. 

Houston [9:06 - 9:07]: Oh dear. 

Terrence [9:07 - 9:21]: I do believe he's throwing plant mobs at me. Much to my dismay. It is unfortunate getting lodged in the joints of each of my arms. I am displeased to report that I must return to my base for routine maintenance and sanitation at my earliest convenience. Which is now. 

Klawzinski [9:21 - 9:33]: This is what I get for scrapping these, Mr. Handys from the clean room of the laboratory. Terrence, Penelope, go home. We'll handle it ourselves. 

Terrence [9:33 - 9:34]: Thank you, Master Klosinski. 

Gotfree [9:34 - 9:37]: Thank you, Master Klosinski. 

Alex/Jake [9:39 - 9:40]: It worked. 

Narrator [9:40 - 9:41]: It worked. 

Alex/Jake [9:41 - 9:43]: You were right, Mr. Squirrel. 

Squirrel [9:43 - 9:49]: I told you I was right. I know everything about you and everything about this world. 

Alex/Jake [9:50 - 9:52]: Even I don't know everything about me. 

Squirrel [9:52 - 9:55]: Hey, hey, Jake, you're fine. 

Alex/Jake [9:55 - 10:03]: Lighten up, buddy, okay? I just need to find my way out of here. There's wild polar bears roaming around. 

Squirrel [10:04 - 10:14]: I know just the place. You see that big white iceberg over there? We can float away from here and nothing can ever hurt you again. 

Houston [10:16 - 10:17]: Hey, moron. 

Gotfree [10:17 - 10:19]: Wait, wait, wait, wait. 

Houston [10:19 - 10:22]: Is he running towards us now? I think it worked. 

Klawzinski [10:23 - 10:29]: Good. My legs were getting tired. Normally I just shout real loud and people stop. 

Gotfree [10:29 - 10:43]: Okey dokey. Ah, my cleaning cycle is all done. I do believe I fully processed my overindulgence on that delightful tin W30. Oh look, master Winger's coming this way. 

Houston [10:43 - 10:49]: We just said that, you bucket of bolts. 

Gotfree [10:49 - 10:57]: Well, I couldn't hear you from Mr. Claus back room. I'm sorry, is he running alongside of Radroach? 

Houston [10:57 - 11:02]: Yeah, but look, he's not running toward us. He's running towards the bedroom. 

Gotfree [11:02 - 11:08]: Well, frankly, that might work in our favor as he'll be in a confined area. What's our plan to subdue him? 

Houston [11:08 - 11:12]: Alright, Ol Iron Pin, it is your time to shine. 

Gotfree [11:13 - 11:17]: Have you been carrying a baseball bat with you this whole time? 

Houston [11:18 - 11:19]: Yeah, what about it? 

Gotfree [11:19 - 11:33]: So you prioritized carrying a heavy wooden bat over helping us carry the camping supplies? My internal storage capacity has been chock full. The boys have been carrying all of your bits and bobs. 

Houston [11:33 - 11:36]: They're big boys. I don't see what the problem is. 

Klawzinski [11:36 - 11:40]: And okay, little buddy, you are our favorite author. 

Alex/Jake [11:41 - 11:41]: And you. 

Houston [11:41 - 11:46]: Weak, rude, but not incorrect. Thanks, Jeremy. 

Klawzinski [11:46 - 11:48]: No, mention it. 

Squirrel [11:48 - 11:55]: Oh look, it's perfect timing. See, that really old polar bear is leaving the shore. We're safe to make a break. 

Alex/Jake [11:56 - 11:59]: Alright, here we go. Dun dun dun dun. 

Narrator [11:59 - 12:07]: Please forgive Jake's anachronistic outburst. The actors of this program are unfamiliar with which intellectual properties exist in the Fallout Universe. 

Alex/Jake [12:07 - 12:09]: Wait, what? 

Narrator [12:09 - 12:11]: Nothing. Carry on. 

Squirrel [12:11 - 12:20]: Okay, so here's the plan, Jake. We get on the Iceberg. And nothing can ever harm you ever again. You trust me? 

Alex/Jake [12:20 - 12:25]: Well, of course. I implicitly trust you, Mr. Squirrel, who I just met five minutes ago. 

Squirrel [12:25 - 12:27]: Then let's book it. 

Klawzinski [12:28 - 12:35]: Wait. He's running straight towards my bed. Don't let him get on my bed with his shoes on. That's gross. 

Houston [12:36 - 12:50]: From one former human to another in an apocalyptic setting. I didn't know things like sanitation and hygiene and good manners that you were concerned about that kind of thing. 

Klawzinski [12:50 - 13:24]: I am a super mutant, not a monster. How would you feel if I said something like that to you? We even brush teeth before bedtime. But now me sad that Mr. McKinley no write the last book me left on cliffhanger. No fair, Grumbly. Remember what Paws always say. If no have nothing nice to say, shut up. Fine. But Mr. Houston, please ride faster. 

Houston [13:24 - 13:46]: You too are a persistent butch, aren't you? Yes, I know our resident imbecile is high on glowing fungus and all, but look, that boy is booking it. So if you two are done complaining about my book writing speed, which I might remind you is in a world that doesn't read anymore, can we go and stop him? 

Alex/Jake [13:49 - 13:56]: Okay, okay. We're safe and sound on the iceberg, where nothing and no one can ever hurt me again. 

Squirrel [13:56 - 14:01]: That's right, Jake. And it's all because you listened to me. 

Alex/Jake [14:01 - 14:05]: I don't know what I'd do without your guidance. Honestly. Yeah. 

Squirrel [14:05 - 14:12]: You have to be extra careful now that we're here on the iceberg. You gotta listen to me carefully. 

Alex/Jake [14:12 - 14:18]: Why is that? I thought. I thought being on the iceberg was the point. Wasn't that good enough? 

Squirrel [14:18 - 14:21]: No, no, that's not enough to survive. 

Alex/Jake [14:22 - 14:25]: Why not? We're so isolated over here. 

Squirrel [14:25 - 14:31]: Isolation's a great start, buddy. But look closer to the waters around us. 

Narrator [14:32 - 14:37]: Slowly, swarming shapes in the distance begin to come into focus for young Mr. Winger. 

Alex/Jake [14:37 - 14:38]: What are those? 

Squirrel [14:38 - 14:42]: Those? Those are sharks and killer whales. 

Alex/Jake [14:42 - 14:44]: Sharks and killer whales? 

Narrator [14:44 - 14:47]: They were not sharks nor killer whales. 

Terrence [14:47 - 14:53]: Master Klozensky, it appears that every time I attempt to reach Mr. Winger on the bed, he moves to the other side. 

Squirrel [14:53 - 15:00]: Sir, how do you recommend we apprehend this deviant? I do worry he might try to abscond with your pillows, by the looks of things. 

Klawzinski [15:00 - 15:10]: Don't worry about the pillow. For now. Let's just try to wrap him up. Jeremy, Grumbly, move around to the other side of the bed to try and surround him. 

Squirrel [15:11 - 15:12]: Yes, sir. 

Houston [15:12 - 15:13]: Come on, Grumbly. 

Klawzinski [15:13 - 15:26]: But he look like he having fun. I know it's fun, but remember, the Story about the monkeys on the bed. They jump and fall and bonk head. Yes. That way. 

Squirrel [15:26 - 15:28]: Snorty's so weird. 

Klawzinski [15:28 - 15:31]: I know I raised you boys right. Now help me out. 

Squirrel [15:33 - 15:44]: Don't you see? See it, Jake? Do you see how everything is out to get you? That's why I'm the only one capable of protecting you. 

Alex/Jake [15:45 - 15:46]: I guess that sounds fair. 

Squirrel [15:46 - 15:50]: You guess? Jake, buddy. I know. 

Alex/Jake [15:50 - 16:00]: Okay, hold on. Timeout. How do you claim to know? Who put you in charge of the universe? Who puts you in charge of my life is the bigger question. 

Squirrel [16:00 - 16:05]: Oh, don't worry about that part. I've got your best interests at heart. 

Alex/Jake [16:05 - 16:16]: Yeah, but it's so lonely over here. Why. Why can't we just go explore the woods some more? I'm sure we could be safe. And what if we found my friends? They would love to see this, too. 

Squirrel [16:16 - 16:17]: What friends? 

Alex/Jake [16:18 - 16:21]: My. My friends? 

Squirrel [16:21 - 16:25]: You don't have any friends in this world. I'm your only friend. 

Alex/Jake [16:25 - 16:30]: No, no, that. That's not true. You know, I've got. I've got Houston and I've got Godfrey. 

Squirrel [16:30 - 16:34]: You've got no one, Jake. That's why I'm here for you. 

Alex/Jake [16:35 - 16:42]: I. No, no, you're wrong. There's. There's more to this world than just hiding out on an iceberg. 

Squirrel [16:42 - 16:44]: Wait. Where the hell do you think you're going? 

Alex/Jake [16:44 - 16:46]: Anywhere I want. It's my life. 

Squirrel [16:46 - 16:49]: What about the sharks and the killer whales? 

Alex/Jake [16:49 - 16:51]: Forget them. I'll be fine on my own. 

Houston [16:55 - 17:04]: How does he have all this energy? He's been running for the past hour. 

Gotfree [17:04 - 17:09]: Oh. Oh, dear. Master Wigger, please come back. We're only trying to help you. 

Houston [17:09 - 17:14]: I don't know. I don't know. Maybe him running off wouldn't be the end of the world. 

Klawzinski [17:14 - 17:17]: Hey, be nice to my little peanut. 

Houston [17:17 - 17:30]: Sorry. Sorry. Years of scrapping with him has me a little. Little on edge. Seriously, what kind of crap can he get himself into in this massive cave system? 

Terrence [17:31 - 17:44]: What kind of extreme do you ask? Well, given his current trajectory, it looks like Mr. Wigger is headed straight for the open Bradstag stalls. But thankfully, Archibald and Bentley have cleared out the extreme only moments before you arrived, so hopefully very little. 

Houston [17:44 - 17:51]: Why are these things always so literal? That's not what. You know what. Thank you, Mortimer dear. 

Terrence [17:51 - 17:53]: You're Most welcome, Master McKinley. 

Alex/Jake [17:55 - 18:09]: That's it. I'm striking out of my own out. Go for a nice little stroll. I'll find a spot that I can just think out my next moves. Where can I go? Where can I go? 

Narrator [18:09 - 18:35]: Ake was beginning to sense a Recurring theme in his life, he had been running and running and running. The life of the Vault chased him at every turn. His time in dustridge had given him countless chores and tasks and fetch quests to keep his mind busy. But now, in the stillness of this wintry wonderland of his mind, the fears of betrayal, the lies, the gaslighting, and the experimentation of a shadowy cabal were all coming to a head. 

Alex/Jake [18:36 - 18:46]: I just. I don't understand this. This feels like a nightmare. Doesn't even. It doesn't even feel like real life. I need to clear my head for a bit. 

Klawzinski [18:48 - 18:59]: Oh, no. He's going for Daisy's open pen. Higgins, Montague, please make sure all the bridles and pitchforks are at least out of the way. I don't want him getting hurt. 

Terrence [18:59 - 19:00]: Right away, sir. 

Gotfree [19:00 - 19:01]: Brought away, sir. 

Klawzinski [19:01 - 19:11]: This why I always tell Stompy I know like it when he ate the glow. Shrooms, grumbly you need. Relax. 

Houston [19:11 - 19:28]: Guys, guys, listen. I. I'm speaking from intimate experience from that time at that concert in New York when I had my first time tripping. He's probably. Probably gonna be fine. Probably. Maybe. 

Gotfree [19:28 - 19:39]: Now I remember one day I had to detain an ER do well who came into our bank trying to open up a high yield savings account. But he had ingested a copious amount of refurb. Is that similar, Master McKinley? 

Houston [19:39 - 19:47]: Nah, the. The wacky tobacco just made me hungry Jake scene is probably pretty. Pretty weird. 

Gotfree [19:47 - 19:50]: We have done past few episodes of the Big Red Button. 

Dallas [19:50 - 19:54]: Hey, no breaking the fourth wall. This is a scripted episode. 

Gotfree [19:54 - 19:55]: Sorry, sorry. 

Alex/Jake [19:55 - 19:58]: Keep yourself there, buddy. 

Dallas [19:58 - 19:59]: Everybody get back in there now. 

Alex/Jake [20:00 - 20:00]: Yep, My go. 

Gotfree [20:01 - 20:02]: You can't make me. 

Squirrel [20:02 - 20:02]: No. 

Alex/Jake [20:05 - 20:10]: That looks like the perfect place for me to clear my head. A nice little ice cave over there. 

Narrator [20:10 - 20:26]: Jake had spotted the open Radstag pens. Across the open field, in his mind, he saw a safe ice cave. Thankfully, this ice cave did not contain a hungry wampa or an alternate reality version of Elder Spock, so we won't have to worry about continuity issues here. 

Alex/Jake [20:26 - 20:33]: Wait, what. What's a. What's a Spock and a wampa? I. I'm sorry. Do I need to be concerned about this snow cave? 

Narrator [20:33 - 20:38]: No, no, not at all. Mainly because J.J. abrams isn't writing this one. 

Alex/Jake [20:38 - 20:39]: Oh, okay. All right. 

Houston [20:39 - 20:40]: All right. 

Alex/Jake [20:40 - 20:43]: So I'll get in the cave. I'll plan my escape. 

Narrator [20:44 - 20:48]: But Jake was not as swift as he had hoped for. Right on his heels was a familiar voice. 

Squirrel [20:49 - 20:54]: Fake Jake. Jake, slow down, buddy. 

Alex/Jake [20:54 - 20:55]: How did you catch up with me? 

Squirrel [20:55 - 20:59]: Jake, buddy, old pal. Of mine. Jake. G. Slow down there. 

Alex/Jake [20:59 - 21:02]: Listen, dude, I just. Just want to be alone for a while. Let me be. 

Squirrel [21:02 - 21:08]: Jake. Jake, Jake. I can't let you do that. What if you get yourself into trouble? 

Alex/Jake [21:08 - 21:16]: It's just a cave. Look. Look around you. See? Nothing to worry about. Just. Just ice everywhere. 

Squirrel [21:16 - 21:22]: Yeah, but what if I wasn't here to guide you? To lead you? 

Alex/Jake [21:23 - 21:28]: I don't need a leader. I'm able to make my own decisions for myself. 

Squirrel [21:29 - 21:35]: Jake, look around you. This world, it's. It's dangerous. 

Alex/Jake [21:35 - 21:45]: Okay, sure, yeah, but, like, 30 minutes ago, you told me that the world was safe. What kind of friend lies to another friend like that? That is so messed up. 

Squirrel [21:46 - 21:53]: Are you sure I said that? You know, I. I don't think I did. I think I said something else. Are you sure that's what I said? 

Alex/Jake [21:53 - 21:54]: Oh, you did? You did. 

Squirrel [21:55 - 21:58]: I. I don't think I did. No. That doesn't sound like. 

Alex/Jake [21:58 - 22:02]: That's enough. That is enough. Quit lying to me. 

Squirrel [22:02 - 22:11]: You know what? It's clear you can't make good decisions for yourself. It's time for me to make some hard choices for you. 

Houston [22:11 - 22:12]: Wait. 

Alex/Jake [22:12 - 22:13]: What are you doing? 

Narrator [22:13 - 22:32]: Slowly. And then, all at once, the safe and calming cave of ice and snow melted in Jake's brain, transforming and morphing into the familiar shapes of a vault. Tec. Vault. The walls of ice replaced with lead and concrete. And with the change of scenery came a change in Jake's mental state. 

Alex/Jake [22:36 - 22:44]: No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't wanna be back here. No, this isn't. This isn't right, Jake. 

Squirrel [22:44 - 22:49]: You have to be here. I'm putting you here for your own safety. 

Alex/Jake [22:49 - 22:57]: No. No. I. We. I. I got out. I can't be back in the vault. I swore I'd never go back. I can't. 

Squirrel [22:57 - 23:06]: That's why you have to listen to me. I know best. I know what you need, Jake. That's why I'm in charge. 

Alex/Jake [23:06 - 23:10]: You're not in charge of me anymore, Overseer Bauer. 

Squirrel [23:10 - 23:13]: What the hell did you just call me? 

Alex/Jake [23:14 - 23:20]: I. I meant Mr. Squirrel. I don't know why I called you that. 

Squirrel [23:20 - 23:25]: No, no, I think you did mean to call me that, you rebellious little prick. 

Alex/Jake [23:25 - 23:29]: No, sir. Sir, I promise, it was an accident. 

Squirrel [23:29 - 23:38]: You and your little cronies. You think you know what's best for yourselves, don't you? That's why you ungrateful turds pushed back. 

Alex/Jake [23:38 - 23:41]: I didn't start that. It wasn't my idea. 

Squirrel [23:41 - 23:54]: I gave my life to this company. I gave you everything you could Ever want food and water, protection from the radiation, and this. This is how you repay me? 

Alex/Jake [23:54 - 24:06]: How could you say something like that? Every day. Every day we lived in fear. We live. We feared the unknown, we feared the wasteland, but we feared you. 

Squirrel [24:07 - 24:15]: God, I used that fear to keep you safe. You don't know what I know. You don't know the depths to which. 

Klawzinski [24:15 - 24:18]: I sacrificed to keep our bones safe. 

Alex/Jake [24:18 - 24:26]: How could we ever truly be safe if we could never trust anything? We couldn't even trust what you told us. 

Narrator [24:26 - 24:29]: You think I had say in what. 

Squirrel [24:29 - 24:44]: Went on in that vault, do ya? No. I was barely hanging on by a thread, and you knew that. And you and your big mouth had to go and ruin the whole thing. 

Alex/Jake [24:44 - 24:50]: What do you mean? I. I didn't know anything. I was just telling Frankie and Helen about my day. 

Squirrel [24:50 - 24:52]: You know what you saw. 

Narrator [24:53 - 24:55]: You know that you're responsible for this whole. 

Alex/Jake [24:55 - 25:01]: For this whole mess. No, no, I. I didn't start anything. 

Squirrel [25:01 - 25:09]: Come on, Jake. We both know you've read the term trees. We both know you learned more than you meant. 

Alex/Jake [25:09 - 25:11]: I don't know what you're talking about. 

Squirrel [25:12 - 25:16]: That's right. You don't know. 

Houston [25:17 - 25:19]: That's the way I intended to keep. 

Alex/Jake [25:19 - 25:21]: Things until you're done. 

Squirrel [25:21 - 25:26]: Little friends decided we were upset, we. 

Alex/Jake [25:26 - 25:28]: Were hurt, we were scared. 

Squirrel [25:29 - 25:35]: Well, you know what you do when people get upset, don't you, buddy? 

Alex/Jake [25:35 - 25:37]: No, you got. No. 

Klawzinski [25:37 - 25:38]: Stop it. 

Alex/Jake [25:38 - 25:40]: No, I. I don't want to hear any more of that. 

Gotfree [25:40 - 25:41]: I had to. 

Klawzinski [25:41 - 25:41]: Stop. 

Alex/Jake [25:42 - 25:43]: Stop it. Stop. 

Houston [25:44 - 25:45]: Stomp them. 

Squirrel [25:45 - 25:46]: Stomp it out. 

Alex/Jake [25:46 - 25:47]: Stomp it out. 

Klawzinski [25:47 - 25:48]: That's right. 

Squirrel [25:49 - 25:54]: You can't let the loud voices ruin a good thing. 

Alex/Jake [25:54 - 25:56]: Yeah, yeah. 

Klawzinski [25:56 - 25:58]: I had to stab. 

Alex/Jake [25:58 - 26:03]: You're right. I have to stomp it out. 

Squirrel [26:03 - 26:06]: Wait, wait. No. What are you doing? 

Alex/Jake [26:06 - 26:12]: I don't mean take that power, you sick son of a God. Eat poop. 

Narrator [26:12 - 26:29]: Jake put every ounce of his being into stomping the ever loving piss out of the radroach. Masquerading as a woodland friend. And as Jake's boots splattered viscera on the walls of the Radstag pen, he too stomped out his deep seated fears and mistrust of the vault in which he grew up. 

Alex/Jake [26:30 - 26:32]: Eat a bag of genitals. 

Squirrel [26:32 - 26:33]: Power. 

Alex/Jake [26:33 - 26:39]: Unless you like genitals, in which case eat a handful of black licorice. No one likes that. 

Gotfree [26:39 - 26:44]: I feel like we weren't supposed to hear that. 

Houston [26:44 - 26:50]: You know, this explains some of the things I've heard him say when he's sleep talking. 

Klawzinski [26:50 - 26:53]: I feel much bad for little peanut. 

Gotfree [26:53 - 27:03]: I'm Sorry. Are we all going to ignore the fact that this numpty just told a radroach to eat a bag of genitals? We're just going to skip over that one, are we? 

Terrence [27:03 - 27:12]: That does seem quite illogical, as both the radroach has mandibles designed for cellulose consumption, not genitalia, and the added the same radroach who seems to be deceased. 

Gotfree [27:12 - 27:17]: Terence, you're always thinking one step ahead of me. I quite like a good chin wag with you. 

Terrence [27:18 - 27:23]: Yes, I found our witty repotte to be quite invigorating to my central processing unit. 

Houston [27:23 - 27:29]: It looks like he's starting to come down from his trip. I think we ought to go say something. 

Gotfree [27:29 - 27:31]: I think I should talk to him. 

Houston [27:32 - 27:32]: You sure? 

Gotfree [27:33 - 27:37]: Yes. I think I know what he is experiencing. 

Klawzinski [27:37 - 27:41]: What does a robot understand about humans, eh? 

Houston [27:41 - 27:44]: Every now and then, a blind squirrel finds a nut. 

Gotfree [27:44 - 27:56]: The blind squirrel. Speak for yourself. I'm like a gorge around here. Watch this. Terence, who is the greatest? Mr. Handy. Manufactured by General Atomics International in a joint venture with Robco. 

Houston [27:57 - 27:57]: Hmm. 

Terrence [27:57 - 28:15]: That is most peculiar. Before this very moment, my memory banks would have said that no individual model is greater than our dedication to the service of our domestic masters. But oddly enough, I've just found another entry which says Godfrey Straggler. So I do believe the answer is you, sir. 

Houston [28:15 - 28:18]: How the hell did you. No. 

Gotfree [28:18 - 28:20]: You learn a few things working in security. 

Houston [28:21 - 28:43]: Not bad, said man. Not bad. You know, it's actually pretty interesting to learn new things about you every now and again. You're not that bad. I feel like you could probably write a book about what the three of us were up to before our adventures together. Really flesh it out, though. You wouldn't know anything about flesh. 

Gotfree [28:43 - 28:48]: Oh, what about a screenplay? I want Matt Berry to play me. 

Houston [28:48 - 28:56]: How about we meet in the middle? We could do an audio drama for each one of our characters or something stupid like that. Doesn't that sound great? 

Dallas [28:56 - 29:03]: Hey, you two, knock it off. The audience doesn't know about our plans to dramatize your backstories yet. Quit spoiling stuff. 

Alex/Jake [29:03 - 29:04]: Wait. 

Narrator [29:04 - 29:04]: Sorry. 

Houston [29:04 - 29:07]: Sorry. It's just that Tin can. 

Gotfree [29:08 - 29:11]: What, are we openly breaking the fourth wall now? 

Houston [29:11 - 29:13]: Well. Help. 

Gotfree [29:14 - 29:15]: Let me out of here. 

Houston [29:15 - 29:18]: And just like that. 

Gotfree [29:18 - 29:29]: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just supposed to game master from high and not acknowledge it. Square one, of course. Back to square one again. 

Dallas [29:29 - 29:35]: Knock it off. You know what? I'm in charge of this shindig. So let's get back to Jake, shall we? 

Klawzinski [29:35 - 29:35]: Wait. 

Narrator [29:35 - 29:38]: You're in charge of this episode Then what am I? 

Dallas [29:38 - 29:48]: So, okay, so you're a lazy narrative device that Alex conjured up because he didn't want to write clunky dialog, which we still kind of wound up. 

Narrator [29:48 - 29:57]: I'm sorry, who. Who is Alex? Who are you? I'm. I'm just. Just conjured up. You mean to tell me that my whole life is. 

Dallas [29:58 - 30:01]: Yeah, your whole life is a cheap ploy to pad the runtime. 

Narrator [30:01 - 30:10]: Oh, my God. But what about my wife and kids? What about my wife and kids? My beautiful bride, Monica and the twins, Chandler and Joey Jr. Jr. You know what? 

Dallas [30:10 - 30:16]: Why am I arguing with you? In fact, I'm like 80% sure you straight up stole all that from friends. 

Houston [30:16 - 30:18]: He did in fact steal that from friends. 

Dallas [30:19 - 30:23]: A little friends, a little community. Back to Jake. 

Gotfree [30:25 - 30:29]: Hello, Muster Winger. How are you feeling? 

Alex/Jake [30:29 - 30:35]: Don't, Don't. Don't hurt me. I'm sorry. I didn't know what was happening. 

Gotfree [30:35 - 30:40]: Yes, you had us all a little scared for your well being. 

Alex/Jake [30:40 - 30:46]: Is everyone okay? Are you in Houston? All right? I didn't hurt you all, did I? 

Gotfree [30:46 - 30:54]: No, no, no, no, no, no. Everyone's fine. We were more worried about you. We heard what you were talking about. 

Alex/Jake [30:56 - 30:59]: I bet it was just mostly nonsense, right? 

Gotfree [31:00 - 31:12]: Unfortunately, I think your inebriated mind spoke some sober truths. If I may, who was overseer? Bauer. 

Alex/Jake [31:12 - 31:19]: Oh. Oh, gosh. Yeah. So I definitely, definitely was talking about real stuff, huh? 

Gotfree [31:19 - 31:37]: Well, that's for you to tell me. My catalogs of the pre war world were primarily limited to banking information and whatever I was able to glean from passing conversations. You were calling that Radroach. Both Mr. Squirrel and Bauer. 

Alex/Jake [31:37 - 31:46]: I don't know, Godfrey. I just. I wish I trusted you in Houston with this sooner. I just. I don't know how to process all that I went through in the vault. 

Gotfree [31:46 - 32:27]: Master Winger. Jake, if I may. If anyone in this caravan can commiserate with you in learning to process information, it would be I. In fact, there are many times that I wonder if I am a being. I'm learning new things every day. Many of them are challenging my preconceptions of the world. And my larger boards often contraindicate the reality of the situation that we find ourselves in. If you and Houston had not rescued me from my municipal prison, I would have spent an eternity in triviality tabulating compound interest payments for poor unfortunate souls who no longer reside in this mortal plane. 

Alex/Jake [32:27 - 32:40]: I guess I really never thought of you like that or considered that's what you're going through. I guess sometimes I just assume that you're only a robot. 

Gotfree [32:40 - 33:06]: Yes, but I was created for a purpose, and that purpose was stripped from me. I'm learning to find new purpose. You were never given explicit purpose in your existence. At least not in the manner that I was. Maybe your journey is to uncover that and to remove the errant code that was written into your history, so to speak. 

Alex/Jake [33:07 - 33:14]: I don't know, Godfrey, that. That just sounds more difficult than I think I'm ready to accept. 

Gotfree [33:14 - 33:21]: Naturally. Have you ever tried systems integration testing or user acceptance testing for new software deployment? 

Alex/Jake [33:22 - 33:25]: No. No, I can't say that I have. 

Gotfree [33:25 - 33:37]: Well, in essence, that is what you're facing next. Figuring out what about you works. Removing what doesn't and accepting the rest. 

Alex/Jake [33:39 - 33:45]: Huh, That's. That's rather deep. 

Gotfree [33:46 - 33:53]: Now, let's get you out of this Radstag pen, get you some water. I know how you organize organic beings get without your resources. 

Alex/Jake [33:53 - 33:57]: Please, my mouth tastes like old people feet. 

Gotfree [33:57 - 34:01]: That's what you get for putting random stuff in your mouth. Now. 

Alex/Jake [34:02 - 34:07]: Okay, all right. So. So now what? 

Klawzinski [34:07 - 34:23]: Well, the first thing you'll be doing is helping Chauncey and Leopold with the laundry because you tracked mulch into my sheets. But after that, I think it's time I showed you boys how I could get you a fusion core for your friend. 

Dallas [34:24 - 34:27]: Oh, thank goodness. We're finally back on track. 

Klawzinski [34:28 - 34:30]: Wait, did you all hear that voice? 

Gotfree [34:30 - 34:34]: Yes. And frankly, I'm tired of pretending that he doesn't exist. 

Dallas [34:34 - 34:41]: No one thinks I don't exist. I just exist outside of the space and time of this story in particular. 

Alex/Jake [34:41 - 34:50]: I'm sorry, I. I mean, I know I took the glowing fungus, but are you all sure you heard something? Did you all eat the mushrooms, too? 

Narrator [34:50 - 35:24]: Okay, enough of that. Let's get this show on the road. Jake's body had processed the effects of the glowing fungi. But more importantly, Jake's brain had a chance to process the effects of the experimentation in his home vault. Now, with a clearer mind, the road in front of him seemed more open. And a chance to return to Vault 56 and face his past seem more eminent than ever before. And with this chapter finally under wraps, the group followed the super mutant behemoth, who is emphatically not Santa Claus. And they lived happily ever after. 

Dallas [35:24 - 35:31]: Happily ever after. I don't know about that. So I'm gonna need a perception roll from each one of you guys. 

Gotfree [35:39 - 35:39]: Yes.